Just very tired

I think I might have over done it a little bit this weekend. I'm just very, very tired right now. I'll write more when I'm feeling better.

Today is Chemo Number 4

This is my last hard Chemo. I'm a little anxious! Chemo 3 hit me pretty hard but I was still able to lead worship the Sunday after my chemo. This Sunday the Trio I'm in is suppose to do a special in both of our morning services. I am also suppose to lead worship in our 10:30 a.m. service and in our evening service on Sunday.

I have been so blessed to have people that care about me take me to my chemo visit and sit with me. My husband took me to my first visit, My friend Maria took me to my second visit, my daughter-in-law took me to my third visit and today my dear mother is going to take me. I have women coming up to me at church asking me when it is their turn to take me. It truly brings me to my knees. I don't feel like I deserve such wonderful treatment but God has placed people in my life that love and care about me deeply. I've really done nothing to deserve such love and kindness but I am being blessed. I am so very grateful.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

I turn this all over to you Lord....You have carried me so far, I give you all the Glory.

Everythings going my Way

I was going to update everyone on how I was doing yesterday but (Hee, Hee) I overslept. I didn't get up until 8:15 a.m. I was suppose to be at my house cleaning job in Plymouth at 9:00 a.m. it is a 35 minute drive from my house. I made it by 9:10 a.m. wooohooo. No more 4 hour a night sleeps for me. That is the only thing with this Chemo, I really do need a lot more sleep. I need at least 8 hours a night now.

This is how great I felt yesterday; I worked at my house cleaning job, did my two motor routes, cleaned the church, came home and mowed the lawn (I had to beg my husband to let me) I than went for a bike ride with my hubby and Bo. It was a really good day.

I (We, you all are praying) almost made it through the hard Chemo. One more tomorrow and than I will have three month of Chemo called Taxol. I'll fill you all in next week on the side effects to this Chemo. I think the best thing is just to start it and see how it effects my body.

More tomorrow.....

I'm Blessed!

I'm feeling really good! I've been trying to get as much done around my house as I can before my Chemo on Friday.

Turning things over to Others

I'm still feeling fine! Oh, I'm not like I was before the Chemo but I feel like I'm getting through each day without having to change to much.

I get tired easier and have to rest a lot more but I'm still able to keep up with my housework, work, plus keep up my hour walk on the treadmill each morning and stain my front porch. I am still able to do the things I love to do. At the end of the day I'm tired so my hubby tells me to lay down. He has taken over where I just can't right now. To be honest, I have to just give up any control that I had and just let him serve me. Maybe that is what God is trying to teach me?

I'm not all alone, He has given me a helpmate to help me. As you can see, I'm still trying to figure all of this out. I may never know! One thing I do know! I have a God that is with me each and everyday, I have a husband that has stepped up to the plate. My husband hasn't left me to face all of this alone, he doesn't run off and do his own thing nor has he left me when I needed someone the most. I also have a family that loves me, a Mom, children, brother's & sister's that call almost every day to see how I'm doing. A church family that has sent more cards to me in the last few months then I have received my whole life. Friends that I haven't talked to in a while that have heard about my cancer have emailed, called or sent cards. I'm not alone in all of this nor do I feel insecure with myself anymore. I'm loved for who I am not for what I look like. God has shown me how important I am and that I mean something to the people that are in my life right now. All Glory to God above!!

God is still able to use Me!

Do you have a servant’s heart? Has God blessed you with the insight to see the needs of others and reach out in compassion and understanding even when they, themselves, cannot reach out and ask for help?

Last night I was blessed to be able to work side by side with a group of ladies willing to give up their time to serve others. I watched these women and felt so much joy in my heart that I could work with them in order to help a dear family.

This dear lady is having twins and is on bed rest for 10 more weeks. She had to have surgery on the twins a few weeks back. God is so good! The twins are doing fine now but Mama is down for a while. Isn't it funny how God works. I know I have cancer and am having Chemo but I think I can handle that better then being on bed rest for 10 more weeks. I think we will be done around the same time. Steph with the twins and me with my Chemo. We are each going through a difficult time but God will see us both through. This dear young lady used to watch my twins when they were babies so I could go to my oldest sons football games on Friday nights. Here it is all these years later and she is having twins and I am able to help her out just a little. We prepared over 30 meals for them last night. Now all they have to do is take them out of the freezer and put them in the oven that evening. God is still able to use me!

It doesn’t matter what you own, how much money you have in the bank, how talented or educated you are, or how many people you know. If God calls you to have a servant’s heart, He will make a way for you to accomplish what He has put on your heart to do.

A servant’s heart has more to do with your relationship with God than it has to do with your desire to be recognized for your good deeds. Having a servant’s heart is one the most beautiful expressions of love I know. It’s showing your love to another human being by simply being who God intended you to be. It’s about seeing a need and fulfilling it without any strings attached. It’s about making yourself uncomfortable so that someone else could be comfortable. It’s about showing Christ’s love through your actions and words. And finally, it’s about touching the lives of those around you with such a gentle kindness that your act will be remembered for years to come.

Taking the time to listen to what God wants you to do, humbling yourself to do what He has called you to do, and then faithfully following His orders regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you is truly what a servant’s heart is all about. It’s selfless love at its best and God couldn’t ask for a better gift or testimony of your relationship with Him. God blessed me last night by watching these women and their love for this dear family.

Sometimes when you think you are doing the ministering, you are really being ministered to. It really makes me what to keep serving!

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." - I Peter 4:10
"...to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up..." - Ephesians 4:12

I'm on the up Swing

I'm feeling good today.

Third Chemo is the Worse so Far

Third Chemo is by far worse then the first two. I'm not sick, just very tired. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm still working and doing things but I have to push myself to do them instead of just having the energy for them.

Each day I'm getting a little more energy back.

Hard time staying Awake

I felt alright yesterday, I just had a really hard time staying awake on the route. They did say as the Chemo got stronger I would feel more fatigued. I was able to make a Pot Roast dinner with Potatoes, Carrots, rolls and Jello salad for a dear friend and her family last night. I prepared everything when I woke up yesterday. It slow cooked all day in the Roaster and Crock pot. When I got home from work at 5:00 p.m. it was all done. Yea!! I still feel needed.

This dear lady is having twins and is on bed rest for 10 more weeks. She had to have surgery on the twins a few weeks back. God is so good! The twins are doing fine now but Mama is down for a while. Isn't it funny how God works. I know I have cancer and am having Chemo but I think I can handle that better than being on bed rest for 10 more weeks. I think we will be done around the same time. Steph with the twins and me with my Chemo. We are each going through a difficult time but God will see us both through. This dear young lady used to watch my twins when they were babies so I could go to my oldest sons football games on Friday nights. Here it is all these years later and she is having twins and I am able to help her out just a little. I also get to help some ladies of the church make up some meals for them on Wednesday evening. We are going to prepare them some meals so they can just take them out of the freezer and put them in the oven that evening. I'm really looking forward to it. God is still able to use me!

Old hair/New Hair

This picture of Boaz and I was taken last Friday evening July 4th. As you can see I still had my own hair. This picture of Aaron and I was taken July 6th, 2008. This is the day after all of my hair fell out. This is my new hair for a while.

A rough Day

I went to get my 3rd Chemo Friday. It didn't go as well as the other two. They couldn't get a blood draw out of my port. Goodness, did it hurt this time going in. They spent a bit of time trying to get it right. OUCH, OUCH and OUCh. By the time they were done messing around with the I.V. my poor daughter-in-law didn't feel so good. Her face was as white as a sheet. They never did get the blood they were suppose to but they gave the Chemo anyway. I don't know if it was just everything together but I didn't go so well. By the time I left the hospital I felt really sick. I was sick to my stomach and started to get a really bad headache. Needless to say, I was in bed most of the day.

Saturday morning I still woke up with a bad headache but after taking Advance action Advil in a few hours I felt a lot better.

Sunday was o.k. I did my Ann Arbor News job and Lead Worship at our church. Plus, we had Jimmy and John's 14th Birthday party. All in all I had a good day. I was able to eat a small portion of Green bean Cass. and Cheesy Potatoes.

One thing I failed to mention is making sure that during Chemo you keep a lot of moisture on area that can become cracked and dry. Was was so worried about my hands that I didn't think about my feet. When I came home Thursday from work I had blisters on the back of my feet from them getting dried out. My husband had to pop them, I worked all weekend to get them back in shape so I could wear my Tennis shoes again.

I'm doing Good

I'm feeling great today! Everything went well yesterday so the hubby and I went and bought stuff to water proof our front porch and game room down stairs.

I see my Oncologist today. I get blood work and a full check up before Chemo tomorrow. I pray all is well.

The Potters Hand

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour
I know for sure all of my days are
Held in Your hand,
Crafted into Your perfect plan.

You gently call me into Your presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord
To live all of my life through Your eyes.

I'm captured by Your Holy calling
Set me apart, I know You're drawing
Me to Yourself, lead me Lord I pray.

Take me, mold me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter's hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter's hand

Written by Darlene Zschech

This is a very special song to me. It touches my heart every time I hear it. I hope it has touched yours as well

Everyone of us needs the touch of the potters hands. To be molded into his image, into the vessel He can use.

I want to be a willing vessel, ready for service, for whatever he has for me to do.

I can see the Bright Side!

I feel pretty good today. This is the day I work all three of my jobs. I just got home from my Janitor's job. I'm going to be doing my hour walk here in a minute, I'll then be helding off at 8:30 a.m. to my house cleaning job. I'll do my motor routes after that. The second week after Chemo so far seems a lot better then the first week. It is so much better to work then to sit around and focus on your problems.

I did see the bright side of me losing my hair this morning. My mom told me about our Dentist's friend. She just found out she had breast cancer.

BTW-That is a big reason why I am writing down everything I'm going through. I want to be able to help other's going through the same thing.

Back to the bright side. I was thinking about this dear lady and praying for her this morning and it dawned on me. I should be praising the Lord that it was my hair that I lost and not my teeth. My hair will grow back!

I'm going to make It

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. feeling a lot better about everything today. I think I'm going to make it. I looked back on my post yesterday and had to laugh at myself. Ohhhh, I sure had myself a good pity party. Things could be so much worse for me then they are. The Doctor's could have told me I only have a year to live, or one of my children could be ill. My hair should really be the least of my worries right now.

My daughter really did do a good job with my wigs and my daughter-in-law picked out some very beautiful scarves for me to wear. My dear mother listened to all of my whining yesterday. the dash board of my truck only got hit about 100 times. LOL!!! My husband still loves me even with no hair. What more could I ask for?

God is so good to me!

Trying to deal with it All

I won't lie and say it is not still very hard. When I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. This is all going to take sometime for me to get used to the idea that I don't have hair. I'm trying to figure out who I am anymore. Life seems so difficult.
Plus, I'm missing my Sailor.

People say everthing is going to be alright and I know that in my heart. I really do! Putting on that wig and leaving the house is hard. Taking it off and getting into bed with a bald head is hard. I didn't want to even get up and sit with my husband this morning because I can't seem to face how I look right now. Oh, he loves me for who I am. He has been wonderful! It isn't him, it's me. Everyone tells me how wonderful I look in the wig and how natural it looks BUT it is still a wig. It's not my hair. I am tough and I will get by, tt's just going to take me a few days to deal with all of this.

I was able to eat a good meal yesterday.

I have to be totally upfront and honest in this blog. Please if what I am saying upsets anyone please just don't read it. I just need a place to write out my feelings.

Hard Day

This morning on the way home from my route, my head started burning like it was on fire. I took my pony out and ran my fingers through my hair. My hair started falling out by the handfuls. I decided after I took my shower and saw I had a whole bunch of bald spots. Today was the day to cut it all off.

I cried for a while until I got strong enough to do it. I told my husband that this trial is one that I can't do so he did it for me. My hair is gone!

As soon as I get strong enough I'll take a picture of me and my new hair and put it on this blog. For now, I just need to take one day at a time.

My big Mistake

For some reason, on the route yesterday I kept thinking about a Rice dish that I use to make all the time. I have no idea why I just think of eating RICE.

Chicken breast - 6 pieces
Mushrooms - 3 small cans
Water Chestnuts - two small cans
Cream of Mushroom soup - 3 cans
Milk - 1 cup

Cut up chicken into small pieces and saute them in a pan. I saute them in water. Add the mushrooms, water chestnuts and Cream of mushroom soup. I also add in a cup of milk so it's creamier. I simmer that together for 45 minutes. I place that over 5 cups of rice in a baking dish. Cook it together for 30 minutes in the oven and you have my rice dish.

Well, let's just say, I should have stuck with just plain old rice. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom last night. I am feeling a lot better this morning. I just have to remember, for the first whole week I have to stay with very plain foods. My husband loved having the dish again. We made Taco for the boy's since Aaron was coming home.

Hubby had a really bad dream last night. It breaks my heart to see how upset he is over all of this. He yelled out with the most upsetting sound I have ever heard come out of him last night. He was then crying in his sleep. I woke him to make sure he was o.k. He had another bad dream. I died! My husband is just not like this. I feel so bad that he has to go through this with me. For one thing, he has to give me that shot. I know he hates it, yet he gives it to me anyway. It all just breaks my heart. I am sure after seeing that I couldn't even eat dinner last night without suffering for the next two hours must have been upsetting to him. I sure know that he loves me. He is seeing me through every step of the way. Wow! How could I ever doubt this man's love for me.

I woke up a little late but I was able to get in 45 minutes of walking this morning. I have increased my Monavie product this week to see if it helps me get my WBC up.

July 2nd, 2008

I just got home from work and I'm feeling pretty good. Rice settled pretty good on the tummy tonight. Jess is coming over around 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning or should I say this morning to bring me some scarves she bought for me. I really don't have a clue how to wear them so she is going to help me. She found a wig shop in Kentucky and bought the scarves to match my clothes. I wear a lot of blues and browns. The lady at the wig shop showed her how to tie the scarves. I guess I'll find out tomorrow how they look.

Lots more hair loss this morning and I do have some soars on my tongue today. Little sniffles but hopefully it is just from being outside a lot yesterday.

July 1st, 2008

I made it through another day. I do have to say, the Monday after Chemo is my hardest day. The three days after Chemo, I am on Emend and Steroids so I'm pretty hyper. Monday I feel as if I can't think clearly. I washed my cell-phone with my work-out clothes because I forgot I had put it in my pocket. I spend the rest of the Morning with the blow-dryer trying to revive the darned thing. I can't believe it but it worked last night after I got home from singing practice. YEA!!!!


I don't have anymore hair loss this morning. I did nightmare all last night that I woke up and all my hair was laying on my pillow. I'm sorry but this is very hard. I'm making it through but it is darned hard.

I feel pretty good this morning. Last night I was able to eat some rice. My stomach did hurt afterwards but my stomach is feeling o.k. this morning.

I just have to make it through 4 1/2 more months. I can do it!

I pray after this is all said and done that the cancer is gone for good. That I will be able to live a normal life and be able to see my baby graduate from High School.